In love

We kiss with our eyes closed because they say you stop using one sense another is enhanced, without seeing that person you can feel closer to them in every way. People are frivolous beings, sometimes we kiss with no meaning, we flirt with no intentions and we do things that make others and ourselves feel good... but in the end none of that means anything compared to what it means when you have someone you are in love with, then all your senses are on fire and everything means so much more.

Starting bloggin again... maybe?

I just don't have the time to write anything emotional today. Since I last bothered with this blog so much has happened and changed, but to go over it and provide some insight and some of the things I've learned would take a rather large toll on my emotions so lets leave it for now.

But I do wanna write something. Because just throwing up a random and rather self-pitying piece I wrote a while ago isn't really my idea of a blog entry.

I'm tired and anxious is all I really have to say for myself. Sitting at uni where I can watch the people pass as I wait for my next lecture, in which I will pay minimal attention because I'm tired and anxious.

I hate to oversell things, so I always end up under selling my problems. Like for me to admit I'm anxious is a big deal and I'll openly add that it's over nothing. My head has just decided today that I have no interest in being relaxed. Which amuses me, cause you'd think my head would like a break too, but apparently no.

So any way this is a short and entirely unnecessary blog post but it isn't about some emo crap I wrote.

A hidden moment

Okay so I'm cheating and throwing up something I wrote a while ago. I wasn't sure what to post I was just bored and wanted to throw something up. This was what I found. Take it or leave it. It's in the style of a monologue by the way.

A spotlight, centre stage. A girl stands alone stares off. A knock can be heard.

Girl: Gimme a minute.

She turns towards the audience.

Girl: A single minute. Pause
It's what you need to wipe the tears away. Girl wipes eyes with a scrunched tissue. A social norm that streams from your mouth, an entirely different function of the brain. You don't want another minute.

Girl pauses and looks around as if towards the door. She patiently watches then turns back, head down.

Girl: You want forever. You want them to never open that door and to leave you there forever. Pause
To starve and fade away. To slowly leave nothing of yourself behind but memories painted on the walls and frozen in their minds.

Girl takes a slow step forward and then kneels to the floor slowly sitting.

Girl: I am a fake Speaking to her hands and a fraud. I am a conman, selling you lies. My lies.

Girl looks up as if speaking to another person.

Girl: I live a normal life. You can buy into me. I wait until you're fully invested. Secretly, Pause she quietens to a whisper I am broken. I have missing parts and the warranty is void. I will break.

She looks away from the imaginary person back to her hands.

Girl: Tears falling in shadows and behind closed doors. When you have bought me, I break for you. For you to fix, for you to throw away. To leave in the corner. To put out in the street. I don't mind.

She sobs once, and then chokes the rest back. Wipes her eyes again and stands up.

Girl: I feel crushed, my breath is being squeezed from me. The pain is agonising, until I feel nothing.

She exits.

END

Adventure Entry 1

Once again I've wiped the page of my blog to begin anew. But for the first time I'm going to do something different.

Beginning April of '09 I began something I had every belief would fail within days. But I type here today a different person in so many ways that for the first time I feel like I have something worth writing about. Because within a year of fighting myself, the world and my fears I have found someone I never knew.

It's weird how these things begin, mine began with Foxtel. It was something I was convinced I would live perfectly happy without, but when we got it I was convinced I may as well use it. And found, as I'm sure many another has, that out of the hundred or so channels I use only a few. Disney for Sonny With a Chance, MTV for VH1 shows (go figure) and Fox8 for WWE. Something I'd loved many a year ago and, like in fairy tales, when I cast eyes upon my past love I fell head over heels again.

The dark places I lived during my high school years meant that while I dreamed a many impossible dream I fully believed in their futility. Never allowing myself to try for something. So when I began to dream of being in the ring I believed it with the conviction of a dreamer. But I had changed since my high school whimsys. The years since shone light on what I thought was insanity and slowly I had more and more happy times. Slowly I had become more true to the one person who matters most.

I knew I'd have to be fit to be a WWE superstar. I began working out. It started with an hour a day on a really crap cross trainer. Followed by sessions of walking and running through the park. My true intentions hidden by fear, the world around me thought it just another lose-weight folly. Deep inside every step was fuelled less by a trim figure and more by the thoughts of the adventures that would take place inside the square circle.

From humble beginnings, my brother decided on a get fit scheme to and together we joined a gym. And alone I struggled with my demons to admit, in tears to my mother, that what I wanted was to be one of those guys doing the brilliant sport that I loved and all my friends called fake.

In the lead up to my 21st birthday I fought a darkness long living inside me. The thought of turning 21 and having wasted my life was tormenting me. I had nothing to show but finally I had a dream. I threw what was probably my first real party in a long time. Getting together the people who accepted me when I was little and uninhibited, the ones who picked me up in those first painful months of high school that threw me far into my shell, the ones who poked their heads into the shell and said "hi, wanna play" and the ones who finally gave me the courage to come out on my own. These people I loved, but I was terrified to tell the truth to.

Soon after I realised the importance of healthy eating as well as exercise so I began one of my toughest struggles. Years of depression, hating myself and the world were sustainable because I could eat away my troubles with junk food and other comforting things. It's easy to live in fantasy while eating, harder to live in reality because your hands tend to be otherwise occupied. I slowly and carefully did away with the only thing that saved me through high school, piece by piece, and I confess I haven't been the strictest and I haven't given up everything. But after I think 2 or 3 months on a healthy-eating calorie-counting plan I lost 15kg, 22cm from my waist and I think 10 each from my thighs... Something I've never accomplished in my life.

I've bought jeans from somewhere other than Target for the first time in years and I try on clothes I like and save my baggy shirts for relaxing at home. I enjoy gym, even when I hate it and again I could be stricter with my exercise, but I'm getting there.

But there are more important things to mention. I didn't go near scales since my initial assessment in May. And maybe that was good, maybe it was a mistake, but 15kg was a big surprise. And Christmas has just been. I took Christmas off, off exercise and off healthy eating plan. And over Christmas Eve, Christmas and Boxing Day I saw something incredible. I ate a lot. Heaps of chocolate (and you should see the pimples developing, ew) and other junk. I never knew I ate so much. I had a vacation Christmas and I was so glad to get back. I felt sick, sluggish and I grossed myself out. I'm relieved to be calorie counting again and eating light. I'm amazed at how much I've changed in these months. From someone who ate like that normally to someone who can't understand eating like that. I'm not healed, I still ate way too much, but I finally realise that what it was, was a lot.

The other thing is, I for months researched and researched Professional Wrestling and pro wrestling training. And for months said "I'll do it when I'm fitter." Finally the opportunity came where it was go for it or don't, but somehow I did. Now I am ready and rearing for pro wrestling training in only a week! I've been to local shows and while my dreams of getting in the WWE ring haven't faded I have other dreams now of climbing into so many different rings and entertaining so many different people. Of performing in local shows and making my family and friends go. By putting myself out there I've found a new world that I love being apart of and am so excited to be more involved in.

In one year I went from a barely recovering depressed dreamer to a happier, more in control, and easily excitable human being. I finally get to say I'm going to be living the dream and everything is far from over. I have more weight to lose, fitness to gain. I have to learn how to eat healthier still and enjoy it more. And boot camp hasn't even started! I still have confidence to gain and dark places in my head that need a good light placed on them. But I am moving with more direction and I want to be able to record it all.

I'm hoping to share my experiences to help others. Or even just for interests sake, but most importantly I want to record this so I can look back and go "that's where I started" and "remember that".

On a VH1 show the other day (thanks Foxtel) they were talking about revealing secrets and putting a positive spin on them. When people used to ask me what I was doing I had to say nothing, because I wasn't at school and I wasn't working. I was lazy and fat. That's my secret, that this year has been unproductive beyond unproductive. But without this year I would have still been as badly depressed as I was (I make no illusions - I still get depressed, just not as much and not as badly), I would still hate myself, I wouldn't have dreams I'm actually trying to accomplish and I would still weigh 96kg... or worse and spend my free time chowing down, eating in secret and avoiding exercise... and sunlight.

That's where I'll end this for now. And I've titled this "Adventure Entry 1" in the hopes that I will post again, but we'll see what happens.